Notes
- More educated people marry later and divorce less.
- Disasters are relationship accelerators. If something bad happens, it rather accelerates the relationship to a new stage for better or worse. You will have a new set of priorities. (Referring to pandemic) During pandemics, more babies are made and more break ups happen.
- Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than 1st marriages.
- Lewis talks about how him and his new girlfriend have a therapist for an outside perspective for accountability, to work on themselves, getting clear if they’re in alignment with their vision, values, and what they want to create. Not connected just sexually.
- Lewis believes it’s powerful if the 2 people in a relationship have something they can work on together. (A book, therapy, etc.)
- Esther talks about the benefits of going into a relationship therapist at the beginning of a relationship. To prepare yourself to bring your strengths and challenges into the beginning of the relationship to prepare the relationship. Esther talks about being preempting problems in your relationship with relationship therapy.
- Difference between “love” story and a “life” story. Life story goes through a developmental arc, change, addition and subtraction of new people, how we negotiate with our friends. Life story also includes a community, social circle, activities, passions, hobbies, careers. This fosters togetherness but differentiates the differences also. Life story also has love. Love story just includes loving somebody. Life story comes in play when living together.
- Culture, values, aspirations, lifestyle, and beliefs are huge factors in a relationship. Sexual chemistry is usually not a strong enough foundation most of the time.
- Esther says the ways she would set up a healthy relationship. Erotic
- The “One and Only” is a myth. Esther says God/the divine is what people used to believe was the one and only.
- Esther believes people put too much pressure and expectations in relationship and have never put more expectations in relationships then they have now (in the West). She says many people expect out of their partner what used to be provided by a whole village. Including their: Best friends, romantic partners, lovers, coffee dance, parents, business partners, career coaches, therapist. Esther believes that you should diversify relationships so you don’t expect your partner to carry all this criteria.
- Esther believes you shouldn’t be looking at people as a product.
- “Most people ask how can I find the best person, as opposed to asking yourself how I can be the best person possible”.
- Esther believes you should understand what it really important to you and don’t get involved with somebody on the HOPE that it might change. Though it can change, but you can’t expect it too. If you disagree with a bigger issue (travel, family, religion, kids, where to live) you have to rather it is okay and it has to be accepted or it might be best if you end the relationship.
- Unconditional love and “the one and only” is a myth.
- Adult love lives in the realm of ambivalence and you should accept it. Ambivalenc – the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone. Continuously ingratiate contradictory feelings and thoughts between love & hate, boredom & aliveness, excitement & fear, Envy & Content.
- Ambivalence is a sign of maturity as opposed to continuously evaluate “if this person is the right one”.
- “Soulmate is God” – Esther
- Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others.
- If you look for someone to make you happy from a relationship, the day they don’t make you happy, there’s a stronger chance they’ll leave. Instead look for somebody who give each other a good foundation where you can launch into your respected worlds. “A relationship is a foundation with wings”. So you can feel the stability you need, the security, the safety, the predictability that our life allows us, but you also have the wings to be curious, explore, be in the world, discover together and apart.
- Esther believes jealousy comes from a place of lack of confidence in yourself and knowing you’ll be okay no matter what.
- Esther believes one of the time people are most attracted to their partners is when they are with other people. When they see how they captivate other people, their magnetism, when you see how others are drawn to them. If you are jealous, you will feel insecure by this. If you are grounded and feel secure to your partner, you will feel a tingling of jealousy, but overall your appreciation of your partner will be enhanced.
- Esther believes we are most attracted to their partners also when they feel like they don’t need you. When they are in their element, self-sufficient, radiant, passionate about something, alive. You don’t need to be their caretaker. Them not needing clears the way for desire.
- Sometimes people say they’re attracted to their partner when they say they’re being vulnerable. Esther believes this is only the case when they’re not vulnerable all the time. If somebody is vulnerable all the time.
- Esther believes the 5 most